An answer

I prayed many years for a child after we were married.  The timing wasn't good for the first several years because Jared was a full time student.  Then his first year of full time employment wasn't good because of some of the awfulness Jared had at work.  Then the next year - new job - ditto.  Oh, and I had some serious medical issues which made me wonder whether I would ever be able to have biological children.  Plus we looked into adoption on more than one occasion, because I was thinking about all these kids in the foster care system who are legally separated from their birth parents but who don't have a permanent home.  And the timing on that didn't work either.  So basically if God didn't want us to have children when we were young, healthy, and employed, it looked to me like there were no children to be had.  I may have been just a tad frustrated and angry...

I kept praying, but maybe not with the greatest of faith.

And if God hadn't chosen to answer my prayers, God would still have been good and still have cared more than I'll ever know.

But then God did answer my prayer.  At a time when from a human perspective, the timing was awful.  We learned about the pregnancy during a cross-country move while completely unemployed and not having any plans for the future.  What was God thinking?

Even though from a human perspective the timing was terrible, God has provided in amazing ways, reminding us that this is his show anyway.  For example, this is the first time Jared's had to be home with free time on his hands to learn how to be a dad.  And we were provided with free medical care for the pregnancy and for Anne for her first year - we aren't even responsible for copays.  Also we have literally not had to buy anything for her, although babies can use a lot of gear.  We've been treated to four - FOUR - baby showers plus inumerable generous gifts and many loans of helpful items from friends.  This is pretty unbelievable!

Two lessons for me here, which I am super slow to learn:

1) God knows what is best, and I need to trust his timing - his perspective is WAY bigger than mine.

2) Even though things might look impossible from my human standpoint, God is the owner of the whole known and unknown universe, so he can certainly supply my needs if I choose to trust him.

This child is a huge gift, and an opportunity for me to learn more about God's great love.

Solo run

Well, let's see, what have I been up to the last week?  Annie and I have been home alone with the cats for eight days and seven nights so far.  I am not naturally the most organized or diligent person around, and it tends to get worse when Jared is gone.  Well, better and worse.  I usually have some projects to do - like last time he was gone I had to finish packing our condo to move and also teach a gabillion lessons.  This time I applied for my new health insurance, updated all my student accounts, organized Anne's clothes by size, and cleaned out the fridge.  And in case anyone is wondering, by clean out, I meant get rid of old food and wash containers.  I did not yet clean the shelves.  So I didn't actually clean the fridge itself.  I've also done a number of loads of wash (which I would do anyway!) and *folded* them too - I've always had trouble getting to that part, since for some reason just having clean laundry itself is almost satisfying enough that folding doesn't rate.  I have been going to bed way too late every night, which is normal for me when I am home alone.  I get tired, but then the thought of getting up and getting all the cats ready for bed and the baby ready for bed and myself ready for bed is rather daunting...

Anyway, I've not had to do much teaching or cooking - Thursday Linda and I had dinner with our group class co-teacher before the class.  Friday my inlaws came to look after Anne while I was at the dentist and made a lovely dinner out of things from their garden.  Saturday I went to a church potluck.  Sunday Jeff and Linda invited me over for dinner.  Friday and Sunday involved the donation of leftovers to the cause.

So have you heard of campmeetings that churches used to have in the summers in the 1800's?  Well, our particular denomination hasn't let go of that tradition.  So it just happens that Washington Campmeeting 2013 is occurring about 20 minutes from where we live this week.  Lots of people are tent camping, and lots of people are RV'ing it.  I've never been to something like this before, and when I'm not otherwise occupied I'm commuting down.  It's actually not all that different from Suzuki institutes and conferences - just a different theme and the fact that it's FREE.

I went to a big meeting Friday night and a big meeting Saturday morning.  They were only semi-enjoyable due to various factors including the stuffiness of the gym/auditorium, and the fact that I had to run outside with the baby on several occasions, thus missing a lot of the sermons, and also some old people berating me for my child not being dressed for the weather according to them and allowing her to develop her leg muscles "too early". (I'm sure they meant well.  I just said "thank you"and determined to keep my own counsel.)  What I heard of the sermons sounded good - it was about the value of intercessory prayer in the spiritual battle.  Saturday I stayed for lunch, because our church was having a potluck.

Sunday I went to a small session on helping teens develop a faith that will take them through the challenges of college and another session on developing a prayer ministry in your church.  Then Anne and I went to help sort books for the used book sale which will be happening later in the week.  Proceeds will benefit a street mission to the homeless in Auburn.  Much more enjoyable day in every way.

Today I went to part 1 of 5 of a small session (to be continued Tuesday through Friday) on developing spiritual disciplines for personal revival.  Then I went to a big session and heard a sermon on salvation and the assurance thereof.  Then Anne and I went to sort more used books.  As a sorter, I get to preselect some books for personal purchase.  I picked up three: Dickens' Tale of Two Cities (which I started once, and enjoyed, but didn't finish before it was due at the library), Alden Thompson's Inspiration (about what it means to say the Bible is inspired, which I read before but returned to its owners), and Selma Freiberg's The Magic Years (which Ed Sprunger has repeatedly referenced, and therefore I *need* to read.)

Debates before me at this moment:
1) Do I go for a walk now and risk getting poured on?
2) Do I pump more milk for tomorrow's north Seattle teaching outing or decide I've got enough?  The problem is that I have no idea in ounces how much she eats in a day, and it varies anyway, so I don't know if the eight-ish ounces in the freezer is going to be twice what she wants, just right, or not quite enough.  There are drawbacks to pumping too much, in case you're thinking "better safe than sorry."
3) Do I go to a session or two at campmeeting tomorrow morning or do I just stay home since I have to be gone from 2:30 to 8:00 for work?

The Unexpected Visitor

This morning deserves its own post...  The Unexpected Visitor.

At 10:00 am, the apartment was physically trashed but mentally organized.  By which I mean:

Area in front of the sofa: Business zone
Baby blanket
Baby book
Baby sling
Check books
Lap top
Stamps
Papers
Pen

Area by the back door: Recycling and milk station
Stacks of things to go out to recycling on porch
Milk pump and parts
Drip cloth

Living room floor: Baby clothes sorting
Groupings of baby clothes in stacks by size
Pile of socks and hats in no order whatsoever
Stroller

Dining room table: Morning work zone
Baby sitting in car seat
Yesterday's mail being processed
Baby blanket
My breakfast
Things I bought at Target yesterday, i.e. soap, envelopes, and new underwear.  Please note that I had just finished unpackaging the underwear, so it was sitting in plain sight all over the table.
Sweater
Financial notebooks

Kitchen
A rack of freshly washed dishes
Clean counter
Dishwasher loaded up ready to go but with the door still open
Stack of empty cat food cans

That's the list of the publically viewable areas an unexpected visitor would see at 10:00 am.

So, it's 10:00 am, and I've finished pumping milk for Friday's dentist appointment babysitters (i.e. Grandma and Grampa) and doing a massive kitchen clean, changed the baby when she woke up at 9:30, made my breakfast, and started working on getting my Target purchases put away.  I have exactly 75 minutes before my first student arrives.  In the remaining time I plan to: take out the recycling, transfer all the stacks of aforementioned things to the bedroom, finish my breakfast, take a shower, and feed the baby.  Sound impossible?  No.  Tricky?  Yes.  I'm up for the challenge - the adrenaline is on!

There's a knock on the door.

First instinct: Ignore it.  I'm not expecting visitors.
Second instinct: At least check the peephole to see who it is.  Ok.  It's my 2:00 pm student with violin in hand.
Third instinct: Pretend I'm not home.  Call them at 1:00 to confirm their 2:00 pm lesson time.
Fourth instinct:  Ok, I should go ahead and teach her.  But there is the afforementioned organizational scheme, plus I'm in my pajamas.  So, I yell to the door, "Coming!  Just a minute."  I run to the bedroom and try to find some clothes.  I throw on some pants and leave the neon green T-shirt I'd worn to bed.  Try to find a ponytail holder to do something about the hair disaster.  Grabbed one and attempted to put up my hair, although it turns out it was broken; threw it away after the lesson due to its absolute uselessness.

I answered the door, "Sorry, we're in a bit of disarray here.  I was expecting you at 2:00."  Cleared a path to the sofa.  Move the stroller into the kitchen.  Covered up the underwear with the baby blanket.  Grabbed the baby seat and set her next to my teaching chair.  Opened my violin case.  Turned on the tuner for my student.  And went hunting for my red teaching notebook.

The lesson itself was fine and productive.  Although about three minutes in the baby spit up big time:  nailed her shirt, her pants, her arm, and her blanket.  I tried to mop it up a bit so she wouldn't howl, and then we continued.  About five minutes later I heard multiple diaper explosions, and I knew that wasn't going to be be popular with the little person.  So then I ended up holding her and bouncing her while teaching to keep her calm.  When we got to the Bb major scale, I knew maintainance would no longer do, so I took Fuss Budget in to change her diaper while barking directives at my student from around the corner.

Fuss Budget was hungry during lesson #2, but wouldn't you know, within ten minutes of 2nd student's departure, she put herself down for a 45 minute nap.  I finally got my shower and ate my breakfast!

In other news, she started laughing on purpose yesterday, and it's quite hilarious!

Freedom and Worry and Freedom from Worry

Most of my life I have not been much of a worrier, unless you count a child's worrying about bad guys breaking in and nuclear bombs during the tail end of the Cold War.  And worrying about being caught misbehaving by my parents.  Ok, so maybe on second thought, I was a worrier as a kid.  I don't remember worrying much since my teenage years...

Except the time between spring 2011 and fall 2012.  There were some circumstances during that year and a half which precipitated worry - lightning strike IN our living room while we were there, major bad tornado storm in our county which killed people and destroyed buildings and knocked out power for a week, major bad stressful things (details withheld) in two different jobs for Jared, two inter-city moves, sudden painful death of our favorite cat, major health issue (details withheld) involving surgery, unexpected unemployment, pulling over a moving vehicle from the passenger's seat when the driver passed out, electrical fire in the apartment, unexpected pregnancy, car dying for good during a move, buying our first home and not being able to sell it...  A couple of doozies as far as years in my own personal life go.

And then there are certain vaguer worries which can occasionally float around in my mind about some of the concerning things our government has been doing during the last two administrations involving spying on citizens, development of drones and other surveillance and weapons technology, uglier war and environmental choices, and increase in use and acceptance of assassination.  When these things get put into place, it's hard to back away from them.  Freedom is decreased in the world and corrupting power gains a toehold.  Sometimes in the middle of the night, horrifying scenarios float through my mind.

Ok.  So lots of bad things happen in life.  And lots of people have been through far worse than I.  I'm thinking, for example, about those who lived through (or didn't) the genocide in Rwanda.  Makes my problems look completely petty.

But anyway, I start to feel that being worried and serious is the right choice.  The righteous choice.

But that's just it.  Worry is a choice.  It is a choice to walk in the enemy's camp.  It gives power to the dark side.  Following Christ means I can laugh at the days to come.  I am pleased and thankful for everything I have today.  I enjoy the good things of this moment, because the Giver has given them out of love.  Death, the final enemy has already been defeated, and in Christ, even death is a momentary affliction.  Happiness is a choice, and it is the righteous choice for a follower of God, no matter the circumstances.  It doesn't mean denial.  But it means that no matter what happens I know Whose I am, and know that He'll care for me and work for my good in all circumstances.

I start the day with a smile.

The Father's Love

I composed this post at 3-something am on Thursday morning, but didn't get to "copying it out" until now, so I'm pretty sure I lost some of my material in the intervening days...

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That he should give his only Son
To make a wretch his treasure.

I've been learning more about God's love, and about childlike faith in my short experience as a mother.

I never imagined how much I would love this child.  Sometimes I nearly burst into tears thinking about what a wonderful gift she is and how lucky I am to have her.  It is amazing to watch her grow and learn.  I can imagine scenarios where I would need to sacrifice my life for hers, and I would do it in a heartbeat.  I am appreciating more and more how much my earthly parents must love me and how much God must love me.  I can only begin to imagine the agony the Father must have felt giving up his own beloved Child is exchange for a race of traitors.  And I can also begin to imagine the pain and sadness my earthly and heavenly parents must feel when I am hurting or going down the wrong path.

It is also amazing to see how for Annie right now, Mommy really does fix everything.  Her problem might be that she is tired or that she has a messy diaper or that she is afraid or bored or lonely or hungry or hot or cold or doesn't feel well.  And I can take practical steps to help alleviate her problems, but the truth is that every last one of them can be solved by curling up with Mommy and nursing.  And it is the same with coming to the Lord - there are practical steps that can be taken to solve my own problems, but everything is alleviated by resting in Him and enjoying His presence.  I may still have an accounting issue or a cavity or a mountain of laundry, but everything is changed.

I know it won't always be like this with my girl - she has the freedom to decide one day that she hates me or that I am the cause of all her problems or that I am defective in some way.  (And I admit right now that I am.  I am positive that I and every other mother going back to Eve have some mothering faults.)  If she makes that choice, which is very popular in our society, I am sure I will learn more about God's compassion and forebearance as my love for her becomes unrequited.  I hope she'll understand that I am not the perfect mother, but I am doing the best I can with my limited wisdom and energy.

I've been thinking this afternoon many thoughts about freedom, and that will be the subject of another post.  My prayer for Anne is that she will love the Lord who gave up his only Son for her, and that she will be a vessel of that Love to others.

Weekend Roundup

Thursday I got a wonderful surprise call from Leah that she was in town for two nights on a layover, so Friday morning after Anne's drs. appointment, we went over to Leah's hotel.  (Anne's check-up at 9 weeks + 5 days:  10 lbs. 14 oz., 22 3/4 inches long.  Tdap and rotovirus vaccines = sleepy, cranky girl on Saturday.)  Anyway, we hung out with Leah and her two girls, and got to see Leah's mom, too, since she arrived from up north to help Leah with the last leg of their flight home.  It was a visit in which we hoped that we'd hang out in a park or natural setting, but circumstances dictated visiting Target for a few necessities, and then getting the girls fed and napping - a bit tricky given the time changes and travel schedules.  But it was wonderful to see them for a bit anyway, and they all got to meet Anne who was not yet feeling cranky.

Friday evening we had potluck at my brother's place and watched the first 2/3 of The Hobbit on his giant screen.  Definitely fun, although my first time to watch a movie while taking care of a baby.  We had a couple of diaper changes, and there was a lot of nursing and a little bit of dancing, all while eating dinner and trying not to be eaten by the horrible orcs careening around the living room.

Saturday was low key.  Spent the morning at church.  Hung around the house in the afternoon.  Went for a walk.  Returned to the potluck at my brother's to finish The Hobbit.  (BTW, I have The Hobbit on cassette tape in German: >>Es wohnte in einer Hoehle in der Erde ein Hobbit, der hiess Bilbo Beutelchen...<<)

This morning was Jared's departure to Chicago for ten days for cello teacher training.  Annie and I will be "flying solo", although thankfully his parents will be coming to help with my dentist appointment and my Tuesday teaching, since my babysitter is also out of town.  And it will be wonderful to see them!

We had the alarm set for 5:30 this morning, but it turned out we didn't need it, since we were awoken by a dramatic cat fight at 5:10.  We had slept with the bedroom window open, and at the aforementioned time, when Feathers and Nutmeg were sitting up in it, an orange cat jumped approximately four feet into the air and attached itself to the outside of our screen.  This caused lots of screeching and howling on both sides of the window and scared Nutmeg to death, who then jumped across the room onto the bed and tore down the hall, scratching the baby's head in the process and causing her to wake up screaming.    Rather unfortunate in all, but Annie was fine after a couple of minutes, and was back asleep before we even got to the airport.  And other than nursing in bed once since then, she is STILL asleep at 11:00 this morning.  Nutmeg is getting calmed down, but she is still feeling wary of that particular window.

Studio recital

Sunday Jared and I and our group class co-teacher had our studio recital.  A few snapshots...

Performers and teachers afterwards.  Anne is being held by her babysitter, Anne.

Anne and I chatting with one of my students and her mom

 Group class kids playing Twinkle to the babies

What I spent most of the recital doing

It was long.  Jared is keeping her from fussing.

Cousin Karyn came!

Cute overload

Certain people (e.g. Edith) are not on facebook, so I have to make sure they get the requisite cute photo overload.   Enjoy!

First world problems

After a whirlwind of a week, I am happy to report that all my problems are either problems common to humanity (sunburn; why is the baby crying again?) or they are First world problems (might have to postpone Monday's well-baby check-up until the social worker finishes beating the insurance over the head to correctly assign Anne's *current* pediatrician to her.)  Other first world problems involve:

• Getting bad directions off google maps and having to call my brother in heavy traffic to find a way to my destination
• Discovering that taking vitamin D supplements might actually have *caused* my last two trips to the doctor
• Having to turn off the A/C in the car to conserve gas until I could get to the gas station
• Going back to the dentist to tell them there really was a problem with one of my fillings and after being inspected, being given an appointment two weeks out to have it repaired (while both husband and babysitter are out of town) and having to take it because I want to get it taken care of before my dental insurance runs out
• Challenges with the program/accompanying for our upcoming joint studio recital
• Costco was out of oatmeal.

So you can see, when you refer to these things as First world problems, it's really funny and you don't have to stew for too long!

In the category of First world blessings for the week:

• I picked up two extra teaching gigs for a little extra cash this week.
• I remembered to pick up my clothes at the dry cleaner.
• I used giftcards for some items I really wanted.
• Our new printer saved me a LOT of time on Wednesday.
• My cell phone saved me from getting horribly lost twice on Wednesday.
• Anne had a baby shower on Sunday and received a lot of cute clothes in larger sizes.
• Anne and I got to go to a party of graduates from my birth/newborn care class.
• Driving on highway 99 instead of I-5 on Monday.  Seriously, people, I was able do a 30-mile doorstep-to-doorstep across town during rush hour in 50 minutes flat!  And chunks of 99 totally seem like "concept road" - the sort of thing you'd find on a driving game with a drawbridge, an elevated roadway right between shipping cranes, tall shiny buildings, and water, funny tunnels, and undivided near-freeway through a big wooded park.

In baby news, today she is two months old!  Her latest discovery is that she can suck on her own hands and is sometimes able to help calm herself that way.  Her favorite is the inside of her right wrist.

And in general news, we are into June (aka "summer"), and we have no plans to move at this time.  May I remind you that Summer 2010 was an interstate move, Summer 2011 was an intercity move, and Summer 2012 was another interstate move.